The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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