Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
