The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
