I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize