Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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