'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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