I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
