I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
