Porn is love you can see.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
