I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
