worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
