Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize