maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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