It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
