I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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