if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
