I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
