Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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