The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize