you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
