Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
