I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
