I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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