My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
