First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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