Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
