Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
