i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
