Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize