Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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