I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
