I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
