I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
