apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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