2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Text me some of your sweat
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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