I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
