I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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