So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
