Just cropdusted the office
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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