Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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