I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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