just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
