don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
