This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
