he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
