so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
