new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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