Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
