I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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