I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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