I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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