whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
it's like heaven, but drunker
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize