my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
