The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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