You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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