I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
