Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
