Soap is not a condiment
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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