im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
