this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just invented taco cereal.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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