I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
