he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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