Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The Olympian is in my bed
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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