I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
